What Now?

My poor blog has been terribly neglected. Part of me wishes I had been blogging all this time so that I could have a journal of the ups and downs of the last two years. But I struggled with that. The name of my blog infers that I would be writing about this journey of family, marriage, and life in general. But sometimes those things become too hard for words. Sometimes you don't want those words read by others, because there's life and death in words, whether written or spoken.

At this point in my journey, I'm only interested in speaking life! So, when I choose to fill in the gaps, I will do that with insight and reflection instead of pain and sorrow. I want to share my story, because I KNOW it can encourage and bless others. Even in my darkest moments, He promised me that I would have something to say when it was all over.

I look forward to this part of the healing process. I'm anxious to share my life here again.

Being Still

It's never been easy for me to sit still. If I'm sitting, my leg or foot is moving. If I'm lying down, my big toe is wiggling. Restless & fidgety...that's just how I am.

But right now I'm forcing myself to relax, to really relax. I'm hundreds of miles from home, sitting in one of my favorite spots, watching hummingbirds flitter around the feeder that hangs from the aspen tree outside my parents' place in Colorado. The air is cool and the view is breath-taking. My dad is out hiking with the boys and my mom is inside the house, reading a book. All is quiet except for the distinct "hum" of these amazing birds. I've realized that I have similarities with these hummingbirds. They are tiny and hyper...always moving and somewhat anxious!

Although the peace and quiet are nice, I really don't know what to do or how to enjoy it. Yet, deep down I know it's exactly what I need. Sit back. Relax. Soak in the sunshine. Watch birds dance. Look at the snow on top of Mt Princeton. Listen to the quiet. Breathe. Breathe some more.

Sometimes life is so very good. And sometimes it just isn't. Sometimes the enemy tries to steal our joy by deceiving us with his lies...and we let him. Sometimes the stress of reality can be too much to bear and we don't know what to do.

And that's why I'm sitting here watching hummingbirds while I breathe...and breathe again. It's why I'm choosing to be still, reminding myself that He is God. He is always good...even when life isn't.

Every Season

This is a beautiful song that I've enjoyed a long time. For some reason, it seems to fit my mood perfectly today. Must be the cold, snowy, winter day we have here.

Life is all about seasons and I find myself in the dead of winter...literally, emotionally, and spiritually. So, the lyrics and footage about winter (and spring) are quite comforting and encouraging to me. God is so good to give us hope and comfort when everything feels like the cold and death have settled in for the long haul.

Oh how I need Him to be "teaching me to breathe"...and to be making me "newly purposed"!

Every Season by Nichole Nordeman

Every evening sky, an invitation

To trace the patterned stars

And early in July, a celebration

For freedom is ours

And I notice You

In children’s games

In those who watch them from the shade

Every drop of sun is full of fun and wonder

You are summer

And even when the trees have just surrendered

To the harvest time

Forfeiting their leaves in late September

And sending us inside

Still I notice You when change begins

And I am braced for colder winds

I will offer thanks for what has been and was to come

You are autumn

And everything in time and under heaven

Finally falls asleep

Wrapped in blankets white, all creation

Shivers underneath

And still I notice you

When branches crack

And in my breath on frosted glass

Even now in death, You open doors for life to enter

You are winter

And everything that’s new has bravely surfaced

Teaching us to breathe

What was frozen through is newly purposed

Turning all things green

So it is with You

And how You make me new

With every season’s change

And so it will be

As You are re-creating me

Summer, autumn, winter, spring

So Many Memories

Everyone is in bed and the house is quiet...just the way I like it. I thought I'd read through some of the posts on my blog. Wow, I wasn't prepared for the wave of emotions that hit me as I did. Each funny story, hilarious comment and priceless picture reminded me how good life has been these last four years, for the most part. The birthdays, family visits, great times with friends, football games...so many memories.

It makes me smile, thinking about the wonderful times attached to the pictures and stories. But it also makes me sad because that chapter in my life has closed or is closing right now. Letting go of that life has been very difficult. So much so, that I find it hard to move forward. Part of it has to do with saying goodbye to some amazing people. Part of it is dealing with the regrets and unresolved issues. I pray that when the day comes that we drive away from here, God has given me the opportunity to make some things right. Either way...it will be a hard thing to do.

Life...Interrupted

Life was so very different the last time I posted my thoughts here. I was so very different too. In many ways I miss who I was then, but not in every way. Although this last year has been relentlessly tough, for the most part I'm thankful for the lessons I've learned...and for the person I'll one day be because of those lessons.

Beth Moore endured a short season of her life she describes as the "dark night of her soul". Nichole Nordeman's words express it well..."when it's dark and it's cold and I can't feel my soul...when the world has gone gray and the rain's here to stay..."

Both these women have described how I've been feeling for quite a while. This is SO not like me. What I'm resolved to do, though, is trust that even though life isn't always good, God always is.

Project...Interrupted

Well, I didn't just quit this project. Well, I sorta did. Here's the deal:

I was unsure what my 40th birthday celebration might look like. Being during a holiday, it was hard to imagine anyone pulling off a bash with great turnout. DeVon threw a wonderful surprise party for my 30th birthday, but she’s in Iowa…and we’re not! I knew my friends here could certainly host a great party, but would they approach James like DeVon did? Anyway, it was important to James that my birthday be special.

So in stepped DeVon! Their plan for my celebration has amazed me. I can’t imagine a more meaningful way to celebrate life, family and friends! This is SO much better than the series of posts I had planned!

So, here it is…

Friday, November 7th, DeVon “surprised” me by flying to Texas to begin a 40-Day Birthday Celebration! Starting that day, I’d be receiving a gift or message from a different person each day. EACH DAY for 40 days. 40 days of celebrating my birthday. 40 days of hearing from people who love me. 40 days of being blessed! Oh my word. Just typing the words brings tears to my eyes! It took a while for that to sink in. Do I have 40 people in my life who would do that? LOL!!

So, now, instead of reading stuff just about me, you'll have the chance to read about those I love. Perhaps you'll be inspired by their generosity and creativity. Maybe you'll decide to bless someone in the same way I'm being blessed.

As for what I've already written, I may consolidate into one post. I'd like to continue with the idea, especially since so many of the thoughts are written, just not posted.

I'd also like my wonderful logo button re-designed so it will fit the new focus of the series of posts. I'm really looking forward to documenting this incredible adventure of birthday blessings! But I promise, the gifts are not all sappy and girly. Some are downright hilarious!

The experience has been indescribable, but I’ll try to explain what has happened each day and what the gift and the giver mean to me.

31 Days

Well, this is the week of our big PTO fundraiser, plus D brought the stomach bug home from school, so I haven't been able to get on my blog much. I'll try to catch up!



Things I Love About Where I Live

• I've made some amazing friends here.


• It only takes a couple of minutes to get anywhere in town.


• It's quiet and laid back.


• I've had the chance to get to know people who've lived in this little town their entire lives.


• When you ask where someone lives, you don't get an address, you hear, "Well, you know where so-and-so used to live?"


• Our undefeated varsity football team won the state championship last year. It was INSANE!


• Wherever you go in town, you see someone you know.


• The young Christian families are hungry for God and that has created quite a bond among us.


• I can call the florist and say, "Perry, this is Jill. Can you send something to..." I'm pretty sure I'm the only Jill!


• Half of the hometown crowd still has an account at the grocery store. They get a bill each month!


• Most of the people here are down-to-earth farming families, business owners, and educators.

There are certainly more things I love about this little town, but I've run out of time!